we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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