look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
