I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
