just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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