Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
