dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
