Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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