Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
