She is in my trunk
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize