my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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