she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's never too late to be topless.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
