I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
