i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
