its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
