I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
