so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize