I wanna passion pit in your ass
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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