so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
