dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
