Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
