I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Someone shit on the floor
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
