I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
