i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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