Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize