the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
