So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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