Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
