do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Randomize
