All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
