I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
