My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize