My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
