I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
