they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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