All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
