listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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