omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he was CRYING into my vagina
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
