Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
