So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
