Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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