The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
