Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
