I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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