I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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