I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
