i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
