i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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