Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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