I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
