so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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