Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
