It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
