I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
