the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
