i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
