No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
