I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
