I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize