Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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