I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
