im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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