Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
