We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
