im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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